I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
