I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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