I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
