i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
