So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
