his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
