Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
