he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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