Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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