after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
