My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
