I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
