He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
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I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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