Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
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"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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