you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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