He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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