The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
