I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
