Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
