I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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