the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
