the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
