my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
