John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
