They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
