ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
