dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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