and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
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I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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