My nipple is on Facebook.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
