Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
