ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
