I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
