Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hippo gnu deer
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
