I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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