It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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