I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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