I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
