can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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