i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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