Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
