mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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