I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
