Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
