The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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