so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
