Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
