I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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