I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
