Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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