I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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