This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
