I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
