i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
