oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
