I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
