I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
