I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
