If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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