I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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