in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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